The Tattler and other stories...

Finn has now been with us for 4.5 months. She is well adjusted, she is comfortable and she is now well into the "testing" and "establishing dominance" stage.

I'll tell you, this whole parenting thing is a real stinker. Just when you think you have your kids figured out, they change the book on you. When we brought Finn home, I was already well versed with an 11 and 9 yr old. They would tattle and yell and fight. They would then make up and 15 minutes later start the whole process over again. But I had their MO down pat. I knew who was lying, I knew who started it. They are/were predictable. I could tell by their facial cues and the way their eyes wouldn't meet mine.

And then along came Finn. Sweet, sneaky, and somewhat waspish Finn. And all bets were off. I knew she was a tattler. She is the ULTIMATE tattler. What I didn't realize was that when she would do things, she would lie and say Scarlett did it. And the problem is that Scarlett never stuck up for herself. She never said, "No, I didn't do that". She would just get the same stubborn look on her face that she would get when she did do something. And so Finn felt absolved because Scarlett wasn't talking and so she could do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, and Scarlett would take the fall. And Scarlett did. Over and over and over again.

It wasn't until I really started watching the "smile" on Finn's face when I would "talk" to Scarlett or she would have to sit in time-in or have to help me clean something up that I realized what was going on. And then I started to notice how Finn would suck up to me afterwards, pushing Scarlett away from me (physically and literally), trying to establish herself as top dog. And why didn't I see this from the start?? How could I have missed all of the signs? Here was this child rehashing what "Scarlett" had done, over and over again, lest I forget too soon and it didn't even dawn on me that she was the culprit.

The signs were missed. And for awhile Finn thought she was "winning", although I'm not really sure what she thought she was winning. My attitude towards each of them didn't change after the scolding was finished. I suppose she was looking for immediate gratification. Sadly, the more she was intent on getting Scarlett in trouble, the more Scarlett didn't like her. They would play all day long but it was a strained relationship, with Scarlett always on alert, waiting for Finn to do something. And Scarlett would retaliate at times in her own little way and Finn would pay.

And then came the day that Scarlett was waiting for. The day that Finn did something really, really bad and Scarlett happened to be sitting on Mommy's lap, being read to the entire time. The story unfolded with Scarlett exiting stage left for the playroom, in search of another book. Finn immediately comes into the room, grabs my hand, pulling me towards the bathroom, telling me Scarlett was in trouble. Mind you, I can see Scarlett from the corner of my eye and she is fine. We arrive at the bathroom to find several baby wipes crammed down the sink hole (hello, Mr Plumber), the floor soaking wet, the entire bottle of hand soap drained and bubbles everywhere! Oh, and she had taken the plastic sink fixture out of their kitchen set in the bedroom and had spit in it. (Cue: Nasty!) When I asked what happened (mostly to myself because I knew Finn had done all of this and I was somewhat surprised and then had my "Duh" moment), Finn pipes up with "Scarlett do this!"

 I said, "Really? Scarlett made this mess?"

And Finn said, "YES! Scarlett do this! Scarlett even spit in kitchen sink like this!" (and then she reinacts spitting! (Note to readers... Scarlett doesn't know how to spit. We go through this most nights when brushing her teeth and she ends up swallowing because she physically can't spit. Finn, on the other hand, is a pro at spitting!)

And then she turns towards Scarlett, who is now standing at the bathroom door, and gives her an evil smile. I asked Finn several more times if she had done this and she continued to blame Scarlett. At this point I went over to Scarlett, hugged and kissed her, and then went back over to Finn. I pointed out the water all over her face, the dripping wet shirt, the soaked arms and hands (still soaked in bubbles), and we went from there.

Our house has not been the same since.

When Finn starts to blame Scarlett for something, I make her give me eye contact until she tells me the truth. This is very hard for her when she is lying. I also make her accountable for everything. So when she says, "Scarlett did it", I say, "No, Finn did it. Not Scarlett, Finn!"

The girls are starting to play better together now. Scarlett doesn't walk around with "deer in the headlight" eyes all of the time and I am much calmer overall.

But still...

On some days...

You know that feeling as a parent when you know you have failed miserably and you would give anything to be able to go back and rewrite history? Yah, that would be me. and I'd like to say that I'll catch on sooner the next time something like this happens, but if I did say that, I'd be lying.

Because the rule book keeps changing...