God Moment

We knew we were going to bring home two boys this time. Tao's file had been locked the day after we returned home with Finn, but I wasn't sure about who #2 was. Because I advocate for SN children, I see 100's of children a year. I cry for joy when their families find them and weep when they age out. I ooh and awwww over their cuteness and pray every night that they find their families. It really takes a toll on one's heart, seeing so many children that need families. But very rarely do I have a child jump out at me and I just know they are "my child".

 

Over the last several months, I have had several children make my heart go pitter pat, but one in particular really made me pause. He also made me quickly turn away because his special need was just too great. I literally couldn't even look at pictures of him because I would get so upset about his situation and how I wasn't able to do anything for him. The feeling of hopelessness was overwhelming. How could I find a family for him? He so desperately needed a family. Now! What if he never walked, talked? My heart ached for him and so I began advocating for him more than I do for any of the other children, because I just knew he wasn't my son but I was going to be instrumental in finding his family.

 

And still I couldn't shake him.

 

We almost locked another child's file but God had other plans and I stepped back so another family could lock his file. At the time I wasn't sure why I was doing it. It went against absolutely everything in my heart. I really loved this other child and thought he would blend so beautifully with my crew. I really thought this other child was my son. And yet I let him go.

 

Why?

Because God told me to.

And I mourned the loss of that child. I ranted and raved to myself at the fact that I just couldn't get my fingers to type out the numbers on our fax machine to fax in our LOI to our agency.

 

At that point I vowed that we were done and would only be bringing home Tao.

 

And God stayed silent.

 

But not too silent.

 

I dreamt about my second son nightly. It was just little clips here and there.

 

So random.

 

The most vivid dream was of him watching several families come for other children in his room and he just sat there, tears streaming down his face. I tried to comfort him, telling him that his family was on their way, they just hadn't found the room yet, but he continued to cry this pathetic little cry. I couldn't get to him to comfort him, all I could do was watch. I woke up sobbing.

 

We filled out the LOI for Xavier that morning and sent it in.

 

Yah, yah, God. I hear you loud and clear.

So now we struggle to bring home two at once. This will be our 4th adoption in two years. Insane? Oh yah. Chaotic? Absolutely. Amazing? Yes.  Excited beyond belief that I will have two more sons before the new year? Woo hoo!

 

Let the games begin!