Panic Attack!

I received an email from my agent last night. It was our tentative itinerary, with Gotcha Day as January 15th. I just about had a heart attack!

 

It's so hard to explain the feelings you have when you realize that you are so close to bringing a new child home. And some of those feelings are ones that maybe you don't want to say out loud because you'll be judged harshly. Since those of you who know me, know that doesn't really bother me... here goes.

I'll start with the example of going into labor with my daughter. While she was still in utero, I could think about her, what she would be like. I could baby my son and keep him close to me. There was no competition for love. He had it, unconditionally. I worried that I wouldn't love her as much as I loved him. I worried that I would treat them differently, catering to one and not the other. I worried about personality clashes and tantrums. I was told constantly by people that I had it so easy since my son never had tantrums, never fussed, was always a smiley guy.

 

And then I went into labor. And I remember telling my mom that I wasn't ready for this baby. What I meant to say was that I wasn't ready for things to change. We had our routine. This would change it all! I wasn't ready.

But she was.

 

And then I saw her. And my heart doubled and my eyes watered and I was in love. All over again. She was perfect. Ask me now, even on their darkest and whiniest days to choose one and I couldn't. They are my everything. My world.

 

So along comes another one. And she hasn't grown in my body. But she has grown in my heart. I see pictures of her and videos of her and I cry. I laugh. I smile. I miss her. I want her here. Now. But then I get scared. Because it's all going to change again. Someone is going to feel left out. Our routine will change. We'll have to change our entire way of living. I saw it last night when my daughter saw the darling rug and lamp that I bought at Target yesterday for Scarlett's room and she realized it wasn't for her. What? Something girly and not for me. Let the jealousy begin.

 

So when I got that initial itinerary, I freaked out. Wait! That's in a month! What??? I can't be ready in a month for all that change. I have things to do. A bedroom to complete, 3 bedrooms to paint, a toddler bed to put together, more fundraising to do so we can actually get there. More snuggle time with my kids here, so they know that they are so loved and that will never change. Surely that date is a mistake. I'm not ready!

 

But I miss her terribly. I want her here. I want her home. I want to be able to snuggle with her on the couch and read her a book. I want to see her face when she eats her first ice cream sundae, when she sees our local Kiddie Water park for the first time, or sees the ocean...

 

And I want to wipe that precious little face below that has cookie crumbs on it.