When Maeve was 6 years old, she jumped into our pool, turned at the last second and nailed her chin on the side of the pool. Although there was no blood, there was fatty tissue, a trip to the emergency room and 6 stitches. I thought nothing could compare to that.
I was wrong.
Watching Xavier receive a feeding tube just about did me in. On the one hand, it will save his life and for that I am grateful. No more struggling to feed him, no more listening to him cry and watch him cower as I come close. No more worrying about him getting enough to eat -vs- how much he spit back up. But Oh my! I stress about the tube coming out when he scratches himself, him hurting himself when and if it comes out, and how I'll maneuver with the cord when we go out somewhere. But that is minimal. I'll suck it up and do what needs to be done. The up side is I can now feed him every hour, on the hour, and he won't freak out. I can get the nutrients I need into him without a struggle.
But my heart. Listening to him cry while they were putting it in, listening to him gasp for air because it feels like you are drowning, watching the tears fall down his little face.... Killed me!
There is no attaching period for me with this little one. He is my son in every sense of the word. I would die for him, cry with him and will love him always. He already has my heart to do with it what he chooses.
Oh you have the heart of a mother and a warrior as well - I've read the most recent posts - and know that our heart and prayers go out to you!
ReplyDeletehugs - many of them - aus and co.
Was thinking of you and praying for you all as I awoke this morning. So thankful Xavier has a loving momma at his side.
ReplyDeleteTears here! So glad he has you for a mama and is now getting the love and care he needs! Hoping it gets better soon!
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