Grieving -vs- Indifference
After watching the children in the civil affairs office today, it started me thinking. Which would be worse? A child that is grieving heavily for their foster family or a child that is indifferent.
With our last two adoptions I have been so blessed. Although we have had some moderate attachment issues with Scarlett, they have been nothing compared to what they could be. And Finn walked into the civil affairs office knowing exactly who I was and hasn't looked back. Mind you, she also has issues with going to anyone and everyone for attention, working the crowd if you will, but that is a whole 'nother post in itself and I promise I will write about it. Eventually.
So out of the 20 families, there were roughly 6 different reactions regarding the children and how they reacted to their parents.
1) Rage towards the adoptive family - kicking and screaming and yelling when any of them come near
2) Intense and immediate sadness - crying non stop and not showing any emotionally anything once they are pulled onto the mother's lap
3) Intense and immediate sadness followed by indifference - screaming and crying until given the right item (candy, ball, marker set) and then busy with that object until the family leaves the building
4) Happy to see everyone and busy exploring and trying to scam other children's candy - this would be my Finn who did this and then there was a little boy this morning that I didn't even realize was being adopted because he was right there with the family, snuggling and happy
5) Indifference towards the entire process and everyone around them - has a coloring book or something else and detaches from the process
6) Cling to the adoptive father and want nothing to do with the mother
And I have to wonder which one out of all of these would be the one with the least complications later on down the road. I realize each child is different but I'm curious to hear from parents as to which one their children is, the age at adoption, the age now and how their personalities have changed or stayed the same.
two adoptions...first one was in an orphanage from birth adopted at 2.5yrs came to us between a 4 and a 6...except he clung to mom and ddn't have much to do with mom, I think you left that one off your list :) He willl be six in January...he has been dx with anxious attachment disorder, we see a therapist @3 x a month and see OT...most of this wasn't REAL obvious until we brought home his virtual twin who will also be 6 in January...looking back their were clues, but minor and easy to blow off until Will came home in Januaryy 2011. He was 4yo...same orphanage, but spent 8m with his birth parents and was the "prince' if you will...went home with the director..much more 'out of the orphange experiences' and protected from the nannies and directors from some of the orphange hardships...he came to us a hard solid #1...hard grieving and tons of anger for about 2-3m, mild sensory issues but after attachment has been pretty good..esp considering the challenges we sometimes have with brother...hope this is the kind of info your looking for!
ReplyDeleteMy son was 22 months at adoption. Lived his entire life in a orphanage. He was very solemn when they gave him to me. He didn't cry, or make any sort of noise. The following day I asked my guide to hold him and he sobbed. He didn't want anyone but me until about a week after we were home when he warmed up to his Dad. They are buddies now. I don't see any red flags now, but will continue to watch for them. We love him to pieces. I look at his videos from gotcha day and I can see he was scared. I didn't know it at the time though. I describe him as a "shell", like there was no personality at all when I picked him up. He is a total ham now and I'm certain he will be a actor some day. Congrats on the new additions!
ReplyDeleteAlthough we are just shortly home from #3 all I know for sure is that 4 1/2 is the worst. We have spent months trying to deal with our son who is so incredibly smart when it comes to manipulating those around him to get what he wants. He is 4 home just about a year. He was thrilled to get out if the orphanage and all the goodies we had but man has he ban hard. It has forced me to reevaluate friendships and severe those that don't understand the importance of boundaries. He has also taught me a lot. I always say his legs are the least if his issues, his heart and soul are his SN. Our daughter was lied to and raged until she fell asleep - she was the classic "kidnap" scenario. She has done well but at about 5 months home we had to deal with the lies when she realized that her foster mom intact was NOT coming. The baby seems to be our happy medium, but time will tell. He is also the youngest adoption age.
ReplyDeleteReaction 7 - At the time, we thought M. was brave because she didn't cry - in fact, she showed NO emotion. We realize now (2 yrs. later) that she has sensory issues. The whole process of leaving the orphanage, traveling to the civil affairs office, and having her world turned upside-down must have been completely overwhelming to her and she just "checked out". Her eyes were glassed-over and she just wasn't there. She coped with stress that way for about 6 months after she came home.
ReplyDeleteFor the last year and a half when she's overwhelmed she pitches a ROYAL screaming, kicking fit! It's exhausting for all of us, but it's improving little by little. Other than her occasional fits (several a day) she usually follows us around the house singing.
"...which will have the least complications down the road...?"
ReplyDeleteThat's an easy one - none of them.
They will ALL have their complications - each in their own way - and each on their own schedule - and each several times during their lives...because this is a "wound" that heals but returns (sometimes out of the clear blue!) - and we as adoptive parents will be there as much as we can and whenever we can until our kids "learn" that they are loved forever.
But one day they finally "know" - and then finally as adults can return that love!
And that's a good thing...
Hugs - prayers - aus and co.
K, Luci was different than all of those. She was happy to be with me and John and our boys and did not want to go back to her orphanage caretakers. They reached for her, she went to them but was not happy with them. She reached for me and was happy again when put in my arms. She knew she had it better with us, even after 18 hours with us.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and Xavier. For Andy and Ethan, too.
Our girl, who was 2 at adoption in 2011 screamed and cried before our guide even got near her. Then I had to peel her from the arms of the orphanage worker while she continued to cry. Once we were on the elevator to our room she calmed down and went in to the quiet and shell shocked stage. It didn't take her too long to come around and start laughing and showing some signs of life, but after the first night she didn't want anything to do with my husband AT ALL! It took her awhile to trust him. She is now doing fantastic and is still very attached to me, but loves to see her Daddy come home.
ReplyDeleteOur son was age 10 at adoption, and we experienced #1 (crying, screaming, biting, hanging on to a chair with all his might). It took us 2 hours to get him out of that office somewhat peacefully. By that evening, though he preferred dad over mom, he wanted to be with us/stay with us. We visited the orphanage and he happily got back in the car after our visit. We have been home for 7 1/2 months, and he is a sweet, obedient child, one of our easiest children. Everyone who meets him falls in love with him, and he makes sure frequently that he will always be a part of our family. That first day we met, other families were worried they wouldn't see us the next day, that it wouldn't work out. But it did :) and though it hasn't been as easy as getting our little girls (bonding wise), we are so happy to have him in our family.
ReplyDeleteWe adopted our then 6yo daughter ion Dec 2011. She spent the first 2-3 yrs if her life with her family and the last 3 in the orphanage. Her exact age and bday is not known. When we first met her she talked to us and played some with her new sisters but kept her nanny close. Then the nanny slipped out a goodbye, and that is when it started. She did not want to go with us and my husband carried her out of the building kicking and screaming. She kicked and screamed all the way to the hotel and for the next 4-6 hours. She did finally quit kicking, and just sat and cried. I just sat there and held her till she cried herself to sleep. They did say she was very upset when she entered the orphanage. She initially refused to eat when my husband brought back some McDonalds. She finally ate what we call the magical fries. Everything turned around. We did have some behavior struggles, but after one year home she is happy and loves her family. We are truly blessed to have her.
ReplyDelete