Moment of Clarity

10 years ago I would not have said that this is what my life would look like. 10 years ago I wouldn't have understood this life. I wouldn't have appreciated it. I was self absorbed and self centered, thinking about the "things" we owned and happy with two children and a "normal" life. There  had always been a twinge of "hmmmmmmm I wonder" but God wasn't really whispering in my ear then. 

And then He did. 

And my life has forever been changed. 

And I look at people who are still walking the same path I was 10 years ago and I wonder how many of them will get that whisper, that nudge. Does He ask this of everyone? How many more families will adopt or advocate or drop everything and move to some foreign country to nurture and care for strangers. I see these families who are living in Uganda and  China and Ethiopia and I am in awe of them. To be so selfless, so God like. To know that He will take care of them no matter what! It's beautiful. 

I'm not perfect. I am so far from it that I can't even think about what perfect would look like. But I pray that on my better days I m making my Father proud and on my bad days that He forgives me and continues to make me feel His unconditional love. 

Because I falter so often. Yesterday was a perfect example. As I looked at my son that could very well never function on his own, the devil spoke to me over and over again in my head and I faltered. Just like Adam and Eve in the garden I gave Him time and I listened. But then, in the end, I looked at my beautiful son, the one that God called me to raise regardless of the future, and I knew. I knew that I am stronger than that. I knew, I KNOW that no matter what happens it will be okay. Because my Dad says so. 

And so when I look into this beautiful face, this face whose eyes can't quite focus on mine, whose legs and arms are so skinny I can wrap my thumb and index finger around, I know we are going to be okay. I know it's going to be hard, I know I'm going to cry and falter and continue to question "why me, God?" But we are going to be okay. Because what better blessing could He have bestowed upon me than to be allowed to love and nurture this gentle soul. 

And Xavier will be okay!