Today I watered the kids as well as the veggie and flower gardens. This was Scarlett's first exposure to the hose and so we took it slow. She loved it and shrieked and laughed her way through the hose spray.
Priceless.
Towards the end of it, she ran onto the driveway and fell down. Because she falls all the time and gets right back up, I didn't think anything of it. I went over to her, but she just got back up and ran off to continue the pursuit of the hose. It was only after we came back into the house that I noticed the back of her arm. She had a huge, open, gaping, oozing, bloody scrape on the back of her elbow.
Now, if this had been one of my bio kids, they would have been going on and on about it. They would have been "this close" to death, the agony, and so on. This child never uttered a single word about it. In fact, when I took her into the bathroom to clean it and put Dettol on it, again, she didn't utter a word. My bio kids would have been SCREAMING bloody murder.
She never said a thing. It's as though she was immune to the pain.
How is that possible? How can she not have felt that and wanted comfort for the pain?
She received kisses and tickles and everything else in between regardless because that's what I do. But I was a little freaked out. The two older kids were freaking out.
Why wasn't she crying?
My heart is still crying for her. For her lack of acknowledgement of the pain she must have been in...
For her thought that no one was going to comfort her anyway so why bother...
For her heart that must be crying, even though her face isn't...
For every time she has fallen down and picked herself back up without someone there to help her up...
My heart aches...
Priceless.
Towards the end of it, she ran onto the driveway and fell down. Because she falls all the time and gets right back up, I didn't think anything of it. I went over to her, but she just got back up and ran off to continue the pursuit of the hose. It was only after we came back into the house that I noticed the back of her arm. She had a huge, open, gaping, oozing, bloody scrape on the back of her elbow.
Now, if this had been one of my bio kids, they would have been going on and on about it. They would have been "this close" to death, the agony, and so on. This child never uttered a single word about it. In fact, when I took her into the bathroom to clean it and put Dettol on it, again, she didn't utter a word. My bio kids would have been SCREAMING bloody murder.
She never said a thing. It's as though she was immune to the pain.
How is that possible? How can she not have felt that and wanted comfort for the pain?
She received kisses and tickles and everything else in between regardless because that's what I do. But I was a little freaked out. The two older kids were freaking out.
Why wasn't she crying?
My heart is still crying for her. For her lack of acknowledgement of the pain she must have been in...
For her thought that no one was going to comfort her anyway so why bother...
For her heart that must be crying, even though her face isn't...
For every time she has fallen down and picked herself back up without someone there to help her up...
My heart aches...
Great post. I'm so happy that she now has a mommy to give her all the comfort and kisses and hugs she needs.
ReplyDeleteWe're nearly 8 years past our first adoption - and still today all three of the adopted kids still surprise me with their 'lack of response' to some things - because for so long the responses went unanswered - the responses got programmed out....and yeah - it makes your heart hurt....
ReplyDeletehugs - aus and co.
Our daughter has been home 2 1/2 years now. She was 2 when we brought her home. When she gets hurt, her first instinct is to hide, second if we try to comfort her she gets angry. I am still trying to teach her I am her mommy, will always be her mommy and I will always comfort her when she is hurt. It still makes me sad.
ReplyDeleteOur daughter did the same thing when we first brought her home at 30 months. Sometimes she would get mad at whatever she had bumped into.
ReplyDeleteNow, after 7 months home, she knows she can accept comfort and cuddles, and will sometimes even do a fake cry to be held :-) It takes time!
"For her thought that no one was going to comfort her anyway so why bother..."
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly it. They are used to no one caring. :( It took our DD a long time to let her guard down with us. It was MONTHS before we even knew she was ticklish! She never cried during some terrible ear infections, even after being home for 2 years. (She's been home for 5.5 years now, no more ear infections.)
Susan was at SFCV for a while - the Ayi's and staff picked up and hugged and cared for the kids there all the time - so not completely sure if thats the whole reason . . . she wasnt in a typical orphanage where she could have been highly neglected.
ReplyDeleteI have spent 6 weeks at SFCV and helped Susan with therapy and have some beautiful photo's if you would like a copy I will email them to you.
Kirsty,
ReplyDeleteShe was in the orphanage until she was at least 17 months old. I think there was a huge effect from her being there and her needs not being met while there. They say the first 3 years of a child's life are the most important. And from the first day she was taught about having her needs met and being loved. She is inherently clumsy due to her CP (as you know), and from the way she falls and gets right back up with no thought of comforting from anyone, I have to wonder about all of that. I also know that when she first came to SF, she was not interested in any type of attention, affection, love, from anyone. In fact, from what I was told, it took her months to open up to anyone and I think that was because she realized that the only way she was going to get attention and affection was by being sweet and quiet, basically "perfect". Which leads me to wonder what her life was like at the orphanage. Before this time, she was compliant, because this is what she had been taught at the orphanage. One of the reasons I say this (beyond having talked to a ton of people who taught there, visited there and live there) is because when we first got her, she would sit in my lap for HOURS and not move a muscle. A 3 year old not moving? You tell me if that is normal behavior? That tells me that survival was to sit perfectly still so that she didn't get bumped off of a lap or seem annoying to whoever she was being loved on by. Every picture I see of her from SF, she is in someone's lap. She was aching for attention. She lives for it here. She is either with me at all times, holding my hand, of she is sitting in my lap and kissing me. She won't go to sleep without my laying next to her and she is either holding my hand and snuggled so far into me that I don't know where she ends and I begin. Until she came here, she didn't know how to kiss or hug. She went stiff when hugged. I realize this is a rarity (the affection) in China, but to not know how to kiss? It just makes me so sad. Even though we love all the "firsts" here, it still breaks my heart. To think that so many children are like this...
All of that being said, I am thrilled that she had time at Shepard's Field! But I'm not going to sugar coat what happened in her past life and pretend that her life started when she arrived at SF. I know she was loved while she was there. But she was one of how many children, the Ayis were on 8 hour shifts and this is a job to them. They don't get the "Momma love". And sadly the love she received there wouldn't have fully negated the neglect and lack of attention she received before that. I do a large amount of advocating for the children at SF, as well as having spent several days there when we went to pick up Scarlett in China and I couldn't think of a better place for her to have been while waiting to come home. We have another little one from SF that we are waiting on. Again, I wouldn't want her to be anywhere else while she waits. But regardless of where they are, they aren't home. To the Ayis, this is a job. The children are work most of the time and the Ayis aren't always there with the children. So they don't get what they would with a Momma.
Oh, this breaks my heart, but I know it's really common, too. There is no replacement for "momma love".
ReplyDeleteWould you be willing to let us repost this on WAGI (wearegraftedin.com)? I believe we already have your bio and pic from an earlier post of yours we used.
Let me know your thoughts. :)
Stephanie (smurphy28@juno.com)