Last night was a first for both of us

Up until late yesterday evening, Scarlett had been doing so well. We was happy, seemed glad to be a part of the family and was attaching to me beautifully.
And then I messed it up royally.
We went to Walmart earlier in the day. When we got back, I took her up to the room for a nap. Short of knowcking her out with a sleepy wand or duct taping her eyelids together, the child was NOT going to nap. Period. She stayed on the bed for the hour of agony, but it was full of chatter and giggling and general cuteness. She wouldn't fall asleep and yet she was so tired. The excitement from everything was just too much and she had to stay awake to see what was next.
When nap time was over, it was time to head to the houses. Every part of my mother instinct said, "Don't take her back to her house. Have her stay with someone at the Inn. DON'T take her back." But we were eager to get over there and so off we went. We visited House of Love first. This was our first BIG mistake on so many different levels. When we entered the house she kind of looked at me funny but then ran in to show her ayis her new clothes and jewelry and squeaky shoes. She was happy, the other kids were thrilled to see her and we were a hit with the stickers and candy. She kept me in her line of sight the entire time we were there, but every time I made eye contact with her and blew her a kiss or smiled at her, she turned her head away.
When it was time to leave, there was no one that spoke English so there was a bit of "Zie Gin" to the ayis and standing up, stretching and so on so they would see we were going to leave. Scarlett kept yawning and was no longer sitting on her ayis lap. She had moved over closer to me, but was off by herself, sitting on the ground, watching TV. Her ayi called her over to her to say goodbye and then picked her up. When Scarlett realized that we were leaving, she started crying. She has the most pathetic sobs, you can't even begin to imagine. Every time I hear them it takes everything I have not to start crying too. It is amazing how my heart is so vulnerable with this child in such a short period of time. It is as though she has never NOT been mine.
I gestured to the ayi to please take her to the front door quickly so she wouldn't upset the other children and then took her at the door. She cried most of the way back to the Inn, as I whispered every enduring thing I could to her and kissed her head.
Once we got back to the Inn, she wouldn't let me put her down. She had been so active earlier in the day, walking on her own, and now she was attached to me, literally. This would be fine except that my back and arms are killing me. I have not encounted pain like this in such a long time. Remember, my bio kids are 8 and 10, and when they were young, my body got used to holding them, little by little, as they became larger and larger.
When we had been back at the Inn for about 15 minutes, Sara came over and asked if I wanted to see Tess. You all know me. Of course I wanted to see Tess! This was the child that started it all, she is the child I was down on my knees praying for, when for months her health was touch and go. But how could I do this with Scarlett? There was no way I was going to take her into another house where she may see a familiar ayi and become upset again. Jewel was there, and Shaw was watching a movie in the movie room, so she said she would stay with the two of them if I wanted to go see Tess. I figured, okay, 15 minutes max and then I would come back. I knew better but I so wanted to see her. So off we went.
When we got there, the other children were so happy. Tristan was collecting all the stickers off of my shirt (I was covered) and putting them on his face. Tess was in the middle of the room and as soon as she saw that people were there, she started whining for her ayi to pick her up. After I had played stickers with Tristan, I headed over to Tess, slowly, to see her. As soon as she saw that I was getting close to her, she started crying. Ironically, this was the reaction I was dreading Scarlett giving me and here I was getting it from Tess. Right as I inched my way over to Tess, Sara's phone rang. It was Jewel and Scarlett was crying and wouldn't stop. You have to understand, Scarlett ADORES Jewel. You can't help but love her. She is so amazing in so many different ways and Scarlett is familiar with her, sees her all the time. As I rushed back over to the Inn, the guilt started in my head. "I shouldn't have left her, I shouldn't have left her."
I got back, took her from Jewel and she was okay. But she wouldn't let me put her down. Period. I took her back up to our room, changed her into her pjs and squeaky shoes (she insisted) and she seemed fine again. We were packing and putting things away and she was playing with the kids and playing peek-a-boo with me while I cleaned out the bathroom. We went down to the kitchen for dinner and I fed her, and she fed herself. She seemed happy and coy and content.
And then she started bugging Grandma to put on her coat. My mom eventually gave in because we figured that it would be a little bit before I could get her into bed and she was so adamant about wanting it on. As soon as it was on, she headed to the front door. She wanted to go out and kept pointing to the door. I would tell her "Boo" or "no baby" and then kiss her on the top of the head.
She became more frantic as the minutes went by and by the time I said to my mom that I needed to get her to bed and we could finish in the morning, she was almost frantic.
And thus both of our firsts.
By last night I was exhausted. I have been living on maybe 4 hours a sleep a night and my back is killing me. I know you are thinking, "You know, this is what you signed up for. DEAL with it!" But I couldn't. The combonation was just too much. And then to have this little one, who so obviously wanted to go back to her house... how could I make it better? The realization hit both of us when I went over to take her coat off. She was frantic. And then her shoes. I picked her up and tried to bring her to the bed. It wasn't happening. She was sobbing, loud sobs, and I was trying not to cry as I whispered to her and sang to her. I then picked her up to rock with her and she went rigid on me. The thing about orphans is that they haven't been held and catered to like bio children have. Scarlett doesn't know how to snuggle into the crook of my arm or beside me in bed. She loves to sit on your lap, but besides that, she doesn't know how to snuggle. And by the time she made it to SF, she was too old for any of that.
So after rocking her and singing to her for about 15 minutes, she stopped crying but she was still awake and alert. And exhausted. She saw my mom walk past and reached out for her. My mom wasn't going to take her but I said, please. And so she did.
And thus became my first.
I headed into the bathroom with a crick in my back that wouldn't go away and sat down on the toilet to sob into a towel. I was done. Finished. Exhausted. I couldn't help her in the way that mommies always help their babies and I was at a loss. I love her so much and I can't make it better. It won't be better for so long. Making her happy like we do, and the laughing and giggling, is only a band-aid for the grieving process that she will and is going through. I can't kiss it all and make it better. And last night I felt like a failure. Yes, I had rocked her so she stopped crying, but it took my mom to make her fall asleep. And I wouldn't have changed that. I am so thankful that she is here with me. She knows me, she loves me and she loves my kids. She will follow wherever I lead her.
After I had a good cry, my mom came in and said she was asleep. She said all the things I needed to hear and knew were the truth (cause moms are good with that), and then we heard Scarlett talking again so I headed in.
When I got to the bed, she was sitting up, looking at me. I got into bed beside her and she snuggled into the crook of my arm. And fell asleep.
Tomorrow will be another day for both of us.
And