Forgive my abstract thoughts but I'm trying to get this all out in a short period of time.
The topic for today is jealousy.
Maeve has been right there beside me the entire adoption. She loved seeing pictures of Scarlett and talking about what they were going to do together. We talked about boundaries at the beginning - when we got her, maybe she wouldn't want to be held and loved on and that we were all strangers to her so we couldn't be too overbearing even though the urge is strong, but saying that to Maeve and having it become a reality are two entirely different things.
From the start, Scarlett was at odds with Maeve. Once she had decided that I was the head honcho and the lap of choice, she was adamant about moving Maeve out of the scene. Any time Maeve would come near me or her, she would push her away. Any time Maeve would try to hug her or kiss her, she would turn away or push her away. As you can guess, this didn't go over very well with Maeve. She already adored this little girl, and this little girl was/is breaking her heart. The jealousy monster has rared his ugly head on two full fronts because of this. Scarlett because she doesn't want to share me and sees Maeve as a threat. And I've tried explaining this to Maeve, but how do you explain to an 8 year old that since Scarlett doesn't see us as "family" and Maeve as her "sister", Maeve is simply another child that is getting way too much attention from me. When she pushes Maeve, we start the cycle all over again. Yesterday we had a meltdown when I cut up apples for all of us and Scarlett just happened to be there first. When Maeve came to grab a piece, Scarlett whipped around like a rabid dog and grabbed at it. I had to very firmly re-direct her, telling her "No" quite forcefully and then taking the apple from her, giving it to Maeve and then giving it directly to everyone. I then had Maeve give her pieces of apple, which at first she didn't want, and then when those were done, I had her share a chocolate peanut butter bar with her.
This is going to be a long road...Maeve because she no longer has mommy all to herself and she hears me calling Scarlett "HER" terms of endearment. This has been another huge issue. Maeve will say, "But Mommy, I'M your baby girl! That's my word!" Poor baby.
It's been really hard on all of us. And then poor Shaw is just looking for scraps wherever he can get some... which is mostly coming from Grandma. I give him credit though, he is handling it much better than Maeve. Maeve is acting out with me, whining (which drives me batty!) and harassing her brother.
When I read all the books on adopting and toddlers and so on, not once did I read anything on the affects that it would have on the other children. It's one of those things that I don't think anyone really talks about but it's there, raring its ugly head!
Jeremiah needs prayer.
11 years ago
LOL Brings back such memories! Shaoey wouldn't let anyone near me (including Troy) for 6 months! Jacob was 5 at the time and use to being mama's baby so he took it hardest. We learned to appreciate our stolen moments after bedtime or in the mornings or during nap time. Dad time helped smooth things over too. It was a HUGE adjustment for him, but he loves the girls more than anything and we persevered and worked through it. Connor was fine, he had already been outed by Jacob! LOL
ReplyDeleteIt is a definite issue that comes up. Unfortunately we just had to tell him it would get better and we needed him to understand and help us. We took it one day at a time and played up the times we could be near each other.
I agree. It's hard for the other kids too. It's hard to explain and then I find myself expecting them to understand and act in a way that is out of their league. It's a difficult balance. I can tell you that it does get easier. We have been home 7 months and it's a lot better now that it was at the beginning. They actually like each other now! Ha ha! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post. I'm going to have my kids read it. We've talked about jealousy, but they can't imagine being mad at the two "perfect" little boys they see in photos. Your honest retelling of what you're going through is helping my family, and I'm sure many others.
ReplyDeleteOne of my friend's daughter did this when she got home from Africa. She really hurt her older sister's feelings by pushing her away and hitting at her. My friend struggled with guilt over feeling like her new daughter was still a guest, hurting the birth daughter's feelings. She DID get through it and they are precious together now.
You're doing great!!! It's a long road and you're still in the first days.
Wow, Kenlyn, when you get home we have to talk. Your journey/experiences are mirroring ours. We also have an 8 y/o daughter who got bumped as the baby, was rejected by our new DD and really had to walk through her own process. AND, I was the same with the grieving. It is DRAINING b/c I cared so much and wanted to be there for her but I didn't KNOW her yet -- really. No, there aren't any books for/on the older sibs. Wanna write one with me?? =D
ReplyDeleteWe went thru the same thing with our 11yo son Davey...(he turned 11 days before Gotcha) when we got our new son Ben. It was great at first..and then the "green" settled in. We've been home about 6 weeks now, but still see quite a bit of "green" from time to time. He too was our baby boy, and definitely doesn't like sharing us. I know it will get better for your sweet Maeve..it will just take some time.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Sheri
Gifts to China With Love