Up at 2 am again?

Since  I don't seem to be able to shake the jet lag and switch over to China time, here I am, up, at 2 am.
I thought I would spend some time trying to explain how this all feels.
I had no pre-conceived notions on what I would feel like when I saw her. You read stories and hear everybody else's story, but much like when I was pregnant, I take those all in and then wait for my own blessed story.
And it was one.
When we arrived at Shepard's Field, we met Sara and Jewel. They helped us up to our room and then Sara asked if I was ready to see her. At this point I was and I wasn't. I was still living in that pre-condition of what I thought it would all be like. The panic was starting to set in, just like in labor with the children, and I started doubting whether I could take all of this on. Now, don't get me wrong. I wanted her. I loved her. I knew that I wanted to meet her.... eventually. I was just so afraid of messing up, saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, and making it harder for her. What if I burst into tears and scared her? What if she saw me and started crying and didn't want me near her? Even though I was prepared for all of that, could my heart handle it?
Much like childbirth, until you experience it, it's hard to explain. But I'll tell you, adopting is so much like giving birth it's unreal. You go through all the same fears and questions about yourself and what kind of parent you'll be. And the biggest question, one that no one wants to admit out loud, is "Will I love her and what if I don't?" What if I look at her and feel something less than I do for my bio children?

I'm here to tell you that Holy crap, it's just the same. I saw her and it was all over. My heart split again and now 3 children have a piece of it.

So back to the story... Sara asked me if I wanted to meet her and I immediately said yes. I grabbed a handful of lollipops and that camera and we headed over. When we got to the house, Sara went in and got her. She brought her to the front hall of the house so that the other children wouldn't see us with her. Scarlett was timid, she was frightened. Right before I saw her I thought I was going to throw up and started to hyper-ventilate, but then I saw her face and Mommy mode kicked in. I couldn't act on my own fears and uncertainties when I had a child to take care of. A scared, terrified!, shocked child, that knew something big, something monumental was happening and didn't have the power to change it.
So I knelt down and said, "Ni hao baow bay". This means Hello, beautiful treasured child. She took my hand when I touched hers but she just stared at me. For minutes. No one said a word until someone commented on the fact that she was shaking. I said that wasn't her who was shaking. Although I was able to compose myself enough to not cry, I was shaking like crazy.
Sara introduced all of us and then Joseph and Clay came into the house. It was a nice diversion.
We must have stood there staring at each other for at least 5 minutes, me rubbing her hand and her letting me. I gave her a lollipop and she was quite happy with that.
We left the house, heading to the inn, and she started crying. Her ayi came in at that point (she had been out to dinner) and said something to her. At this point, her cries lessened and she seemed just lost.
We got to the Inn and settled into the room, looking for anything to distract her.
And that was when panic sets in again.
I have a scared, alone child, who doesn't speak English, and I have to figure out her needs and act accordingly. This isn't like a baby where my learning curve is poopy diaper, hungry, burping or sleeping. This is a 3 year old little girl who is terrified and we have to distract her and let her mourn, all the while reinforcing to her that we love her and she will always be part of our family.
But no pressure.
Not to toot our horns, but I think we did pretty darn well. Shaw kicked it into high gear and did everything he could to make her laugh. She has him wrapped and I have a feeling, ALWAYS will. He kept telling her how beautiful she was and finding different ways to amuse her.
Maeve went into immediate mother mode. Which I forsee being a power struggle down the road with. She adores her, loves her to pieces and wants to make sure that she is happy and smiling. Scarlett was fine with the attention, but did NOT want Maeve to pick her up.
Guess who she wanted all the attention from? You guessed it. Me! Which delights me. After hearing all of the horror stories, so far so good. She lets me hold her and love on her and tell her I love her in Chinese. When we went down to dinner she was carried and then sat on my lap and was fed by me. Although she did enjoy using her chopsticks once she saw Tim Taylor using his.
When we got back to the room last night, she was all smiles. She has these coy little smiles, like the one she had in the package opening pictures. This is such her personality. And I can't believe how much she talks. Maeve was reading her a book and showing her pictures of things and she was repeating them. Over and over again. She loved it and every time she would say a hard one, we would say, "Good!" and she would giggle.
And her giggles. They are enough to make your heart stop. She is so ticklish and when I changed her clothes and diaper I wold tickle her feet and she would just laugh and giggle like crazy. The sweetest sound I have ever heard. She was so tired when we all went to bed at 9, so I put her next to me (in between myself and Maeve) and she watched me while her eyes got heavier and heavier. As she was falling to sleep I told her I loved her again and that she was my daughter and she fell asleep with a smile on her face.
I pray this lasts. I pray that she feels the love coming from all of us and knows it is okay. I pray that the orphanage is NOT going to make Sara bring her to the orphanage and then bring her to us (without Sara) several hours later. I pray that they see me holding her as we come out of the plane and allow us to take her with us to the hotel. I would hate for her to think, for even a second, that we are abandoning her in any way. And yes, the orphanage knows we are here and are fine with it, so why take the child away from us when we have bonded already? Why do that to such a fragile relationship?